Over two decades ago, Dr. Wendy Wood wrote a paper in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in which he asserted that almost half of the activities that we engage in on a daily basis are performed by habit, without any conscious thought at all. The paper explored the significance of habits, their formation, and the role they play in determining our failure or success.

Even if you’ve never heard of Dr. Wood, or care anything about the significance of habits, their formation and the role they play in determining failure of success, you have to agree that his assertion has the smell of truth. So much of what we do we don’t even think about. And nowhere is this more the case than in church.

I have been in church all of my life, and I am still amazed by how often I engage in actions and activities and traditions and techniques that are habitual, but not necessarily meaningful; habitual but not necessarily impactful; and habitual but not even necessarily spiritual. I just do them because…well because I’ve always done them. One of the best examples of these kind of practices is what is referred to as the Mizpeh.

The Mizpeh is a traditional prayer that is frequently invoked at many churches before a service closes—a prayer that is dubbed “the benediction.” I’m sure that if you grew up in church you’ve heard it, or have even said it. The prayer is simple and memorable. It says:

May The Lord watch between me and thee, when we are absent one from another, Amen.

What could be more appropriate or harmless?

But when we study the history of that prayer, we make the remarkable discovery that the prayer is probably not that appropriate and may even be harmful. The prayer was uttered by a man named Laban and concerned Jacob, his son-in-law. These two men did not like each other. They had tricked each other. And they did not trust each other. When those words were spoken, it was the last time that they would see or speak to each other. The prayer was Laban’s way of asking God to keep his eyes on Jacob because he couldn’t.

I am not sure how or when this prayer became the traditional way of pronouncing the benediction. But since the word “benediction” means to speak good or well of, I am certain that saying this prayer before a church service closes is probably not a good thing (lol). Why do we do it? Well…because we always have. It’s a habit. Becoming aware of the significance of habits, their formation and the role they play in determining failure of success is a vital task.

While rereading the story of Jacob and Laban, I was reminded of another habit that all of us share regardless of if you grew up in church or not. The cause of the conflict between Laban and Jacob concerned the source of Jacob’s wealth. Laban felt that everything that Jacob owned was the result of his kindness. Jacob had come to live with Laban after fleeing from his brother Esau. Jacob had married his two daughters, worked his fields, nurtured his livestock, and become rich in the process. Conversely, Jacob felt that he had earned everything he owned. He believed that Laban had taken advantage of him at a weak moment, undervalued and underpaid him for decades of work, and manipulated his love for his wives. Looking at the same experience, they saw it two different ways.

Isn’t it amazing that two people can look at the exact same experience and derive opposite and contradictory conclusions ? The truth was that both Jacob and Laban were right. But each of them were so locked into their perspective that it ended their relationship—a relationship that had been beneficial to them both. The habit that destroyed their relationship was their failure to view the situation from a perspective other than their own.

Rarely is “the” problem “the” problem. Usually the problem is the way we see the problem—our perspective, or the lens through which we see a problem, situation, a relationship, or an event. Tony Schwartz has written that one way to enhance successful outcomes in every area of our lives is to employ a technique he refers to as the three lenses. Before drawing any conclusions or making any decisions, he suggests that we view the problem, situation, relationship or event from each of the three lenses:

1. Reverse Lens. When we view a problem, situation, relationship or event from the reverse lens, we ask ourselves the question, “how might the other person in this problem, situation, relationship or event “ view what’s going on?

2. Long Lens. When we view a problem, situation, relationship or event from the long lens, we ask ourselves the question “how am I going to feel about this is six months? A year? A decade?”

3. Wide Lens. When we view problem, situation, relationship or event from the wide lens, we ask ourselves the question “regardless of how I feel and despite the potential or eventual outcome, how can I learn and grow from this?

Had Laban and Jacob viewed their conflict from any of these lenses, it may have salvaged their relationship.

And perhaps if you employ this technique, it may salvage some of yours.

This is one habit worth keeping.