Are You Too Demanding?

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…Sleep on now, and take your rest: Mark 14:41

During an impromptu meeting last week, my team told me that they thought I was too demanding.

Well….I can’t say that I was surprised, LOL.

While I didn’t take their collective comment as criticism (but as feedback, and there is a difference. Understanding that difference requires a blog post all by itself), I certainly didn’t t like the sound or the implications of the word demanding.

Demanding.

Nothing about that felt good, so I decided to do some digging to find out exactly what they meant. I have learned that sometimes we don’t always say what we mean, or that we assume that we understand what people mean when they say things. I didn’t want to be guilty of either error, so I kept pressing them to define what they meant (which, I guess is what being demanding is. LOL) After an hour of fruitless conversation, my wife pulled out a dictionary and began reading a definition that I finally agreed with:

“to hold someone to high standards…”

Feeling vindicated, a smile crept triumphantly across my face. I confidently replied, “See! Being demanding is a good thing! It’s my job to hold you to high standards.” Then off I went (for at least ten minutes), extolling the virtues of high standards and hard work. I even quoted Drake, and told them they would thank me later. Mrs. Robinson patiently waited, and then said, “Sweetie, let me finish the definition.” I have learned that whenever my wife inserts the sobriquet Sweetie into the conversation, the hammer is coming LOL. She continued reading the definition. To be demanding, she read…

“is too hold someone to high standards that they may be ill equipped to meet.”

Well, that was a mike-drop moment. I took the gloves off, and thanked them for loving me enough to tell me about me.

Every leader, parent, and friend wants what is best for the people they feel responsible for. However, what’s best for someone has to be based on the equipment they have. Making demands is an essential component of any relationships. In fact, I would argue that a relationship without demands is no relationship at all. At issue is whether the demands are reasonable.

An unreasonable demand is a demand that the demandee doesn’t have the capacity to execute. Unreasonable demands set you up for disappointment, and introduce tension into otherwise healthy relationships.

This is one of the lessons we learn from the last week of our Lord’s life. During that last week, Jesus would experience a series of intensifying tragedies, culminating in his gruesome crucifixtion on the cross. But in each horrific episode, Jesus dispenses wisdom for living, and counsel on how to meet the inevitable challenges that we shall all encounter. In one instance, he models how to manage our tendency to make unreasonable demands.

Facing the supreme trial of his life, we are told that Jesus takes his three closest friends to a Garden called Gethsemane. He goes off to pray 3 times, and only asks his friends to stay awake and provide support.

The first time he returns from prayer, they are sleeping. He begs them to stay awake.

The second time he returns from prayer, they are…sleeping. He begs them again to stay awake.

The third time he returns from praying, they are….you guessed it—sleeping. This time, he says to them—”sleep on now, and take your rest.”

Now it is beyond dispute that the three men who were with him were his closets friends. In critical moments throughout his life and ministry, Peter James and John were always present Not only were they the first disciples chosen, they were the most dependable, and had sacrificed the most to be a part of his ministry. Their falling to sleep wasn’t because they didn’t love Jesus—they were just sleepy! They had had a series of very long nights. LOL. Even Jesus realized this when he said “the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.”

It was unreasonable for Jesus to expect his friends (despite their proven loyalty and love) to stay up all night—again. So, after he assessed their capacity, he relaxed his demands. And perhaps we all should do the same.

Here’s the point: we are all limited creatures with limited resources. We only have so much time, energy and attention. And perhaps as we make demands on the people in our circle, we should do a better job of assessing their equipment for the task we are demanding.

Maybe your wife doesn’t feel like cooking because she’s been on zoom for 12 hours.

Maybe your boss didn’t return your email because he has 4,786 emails in his in-box.

Maybe the worker at the fast food drive thru window is moving a little slow because she just found out that she has to work a double shift and is worried about her kids being at home by themselves so long.

Maybe your son is playing video games all day because the friends he plays with online provide him with the community he hasn’t had all year.

And maybe God hasn’t answered that prayer because he has the sense enough to know that you can’t handle what you’re asking for.

Let’s not become what Al Berstein called “emotional vampires,” that suck out all of the limited life of the people around us.”

Let’s give them the freedom to fall asleep.