Learning How To Say No
Warren Buffett is one the most successful investors in history. At 92 years old, he has an estimated net worth of $97 billion dollars, and is widely considered to be one of the most intelligent and insightful people in business. HIs wisdom is so coveted that someone recently paid $21 million at an auction just for the opportunity to have lunch with him!
Someone once asked Mr. Buffett his opinion on what the main difference is between successful and unsuccessful people. He replied that “the primary difference between successful people and unsuccessful people is that successful people almost always say no.” They maintain a laser-sharp focus on their goals and objectives, and do not allow others to distract them from their desired outcomes. This insight runs counter to our natural inclination. Our natural inclination is to go along to get along, to get in where we fit in, and to go with the flow. We are social creatures, and the pressure to conform to whatever group we are a part of is enormous.
This pressure was famously demonstrated in a psychological experiment conducted by Solomon Asch. Mr Asch showed a participant a picture with four lines and asked him to select which line was the longest. He then asked several other participants the same question, each of whom had agreed in advance to select the wrong answer. As these participants shared their answer, the first participant gradually changed his answer to match theirs. The conclusion of the experiment was that the pressure to conform is so great that it can even cause us to doubt the truth of our own perception and experience! This happens more often that most of us would like to admit.
Question: When is the last time you said “Yes” when you really wanted to say “No?”
Yes, I’ll take on the extra project
Yes, I’ll work overtime
Yes, I’ll pick you up
Yes, you can move in.
Yes, I’ll cook.
Yes, I’ll lend you part of your rent
Yes, I’ll watch your kids.
And yes, there are times when we should say yes. There are times when we should go out of our way to help others. There are times when we should extend our time, our resources, and our experience to assist those in need. However, a refusal to establish boundaries is a recipe for manipulation, resentment, and fatigue. We must learn the crucial skill of learning to say no.
Saying “No” is not as easy as it may seem. As one writer pointed out, the “the essence of the tension is how to assert my power but preserve the relationship.” At the root of our inability to say no is fear: fear that if we reject the person making the request, we may jeopardize our relationship with them. So instead of saying no, we typically employ three tactics:
We accommodate the request. We say yes when we want to say no which creates a false peace and results in frustration, bitterness, and resentment.
We attack the request. We say no the wrong way, which negatively impacts or even destroys the relationship.
We avoid the request. We go “ghost:” we don’t return the call, respond to the email, have the conversation, or address the issue. This avoidance creates suspicion and the potential for. a false narrative to develop.
These tactics are not a long term solution. Ultimately, we must develop the courage and the wisdom to say no. Saying no is hard, and as one of my pastoral mentors often reminds me, “there is no easy way to do a hard thing.” But may these words from James 5:10-12 (MSG) give you strength and direction:
Take the old prophets as your mentors. They put up with anything, went through everything, and never once quit, all the time honoring God. What a gift life is to those who stay the course! You’ve heard, of course, of Job’s staying power, and you know how God brought it all together for him at the end. That’s because God cares, cares right down to the last detail.
And since you know that he cares, let your language show it. Don’t add words like “I swear to God” to your own words. Don’t show your impatience by concocting oaths to hurry up God. Just say yes or no. Just say what is true. That way, your language can’t be used against you.