Nice or Kind?

In his book Clear Thinking, Shane Parrish makes the following observation:

Kind people will tell you things a nice person will not. A kind person will tell you that you have spinach on your teeth. A nice person won’t because it’s uncomfortable. A kind person will tell us what holds us back even when it’s uncomfortable. A nice person avoids giving us critical feedback because they’re worried about hurting our feelings.

Although I have frequently heard the distinction made between being “kind” and being “nice,” the way Mr. Parrish put it left a dent in my mind. To think that someone wouldn’t tell me that I had spinach on my teeth is not only an arresting metaphor, but it is also a clever method for figuring out who is on your side and who isn’t. Anyone who won’t tell you that you have spinach on your teeth may be nice. But they certainly are not kind. Or Christian.

The aforementioned idea of kindness is echoed in Psalm 141:5, which says:

Let the righteous smite me; it shall be a kindness: and let him reprove me; it shall be an excellent oil, which shall not break my head…

In this passage, David makes a strange request. He asks God to allow the “righteous” to bring his shortcomings, inadequacies, and failures to his attention. His contention is that doing so is as beneficial to the believer as oil is to the body. Today, we not only use oil to moisturize our bodies, but also to fuel airplanes and vehicles, heat buildings, and produce electricity. According to the International Association of Oil and Gas Producers, there are over 72 uses of oil! In the same way that oil is beneficial, so is feedback from a credible source. When we allow someone better than us, wiser than us, more successful than us , and especially closer to God than us to provide feedback to us about ourselves, innumerable benefits ensue.

I can confirm the value of being “smitten” by the righteous in my own experience. In my early years as a Pastor, I confused criticism with envy. I believed that if someone questioned my motives, my methods, or my maturity, it was only because they were envious of my intelligence, my gifts, or my success. I hid behind that idea for years, and used it as a shield to protect myself from feedback I didn’t want to hear, and as a passport to escape from accountability.

At one of the churches I led, I made a series of increasingly irresponsible decisions which produced some disastrous consequences. Eventually, I was summoned to a board meeting. When confronted about my poor decisionmaking, I retreated behind my usual defenses. After the meeting, I cornered the Chairman of the Board. He is still a highly respected, greatly admired, and extremely effective spiritual leader, who also happened to be the person who had recommended me to the church and was my greatest supporter. I said to him jokingly, “can you believe that circus that we just witnessed? The problem with all those folks in that room is that they ain’t on my level. Every one of them are jealous of your boy!”

I was expecting reassurance. Well, reassurance wasn’t what I received. He didn’t respond for a long time. Then he looked at me. Or rather, he looked through me. And then quietly said, “ Joe. Stop It. Everybody ain’t jealous.” His feedback was devastating to my ego. But my ego needed to be devastated. His feedback was excellent oil. I had spinach on my teeth. And he was kind enough to let me know.

There are people in your life that have spinach on their teeth—people whom you claim to genuinely care about and have a vested interest in their success. So her'e’s my question for you today: are you going to be nice or kind?

I hope you will be kind enough to tell them the truth.

I hope you will be kind enough to make them uncomfortable.

I hope you will be kind enough to help them grow.

Being nice isn’t a behavior that is commended or commanded in the scripture.

However, being kind is.

Ephesians 4:32 says “be kind one to another….”

Do me, them, and yourself a favor.

Be kind.

Be Christian.