Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself
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…and there is none of you that is sorry for me… 1 Samuel 22:8
The statement above is an excerpt from a tragic monologue that was spoken by a King sitting under a tree with a spear in his hand surrounded by his entourage.
Can you please reread that sentence and let those words sink in?
A King…
sitting under a tree…
with a spear in his hand….
surrounded by his entourage.
You should already detect something amiss. And indeed there was.
The King in question was Saul, the first King of Israel. The scriptures tells us that Saul was “head and shoulders” above everyone else. And although in so doing the ancient writer was most likely referring to Saul’s height, the truth is Saul was “head and shoulders above most of his contemporaries in more than just his impressive physical bearing. By almost any conceivable standard, Saul stepped on the stage of history with every conceivable advantage. Mentored by a legendary figure (Samuel) and descended from a family of wealth (so wealthy in fact that his father could lose some property and send him to look for it), Saul was a history maker. He was the first King! But we soon discover that Saul’s outside was more impressive than his inside, and when placed in pressure-filled situations, Saul failed. Over and over and over.
The causes of his failure are legion. But one dimension of that failure is vividly on display in the scene cited above. One of Saul’s most, and perhaps THE most unattractive attributes any of us can ever have is self-pity.
In this scene, Saul is complaining that no-one feels sorry for him. I am almost certain that someone in his entourage was probably thinking to himself…
“…Huh? Feel sorry for you?
Dude, you’re the King
Dude, you got a weapon (which no one else has except you and you’re son).
And ummm…dude…how can we feel sorry for you when you’re chasing a l7 year old named David who used to work for you?
And dude…you’re the King!”
Saul lacked self-awareness and self control. And as a result, he descended into self pity.
One writer opined that “self pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure, and separates the victim from reality. Along with resentment, it is one of the most toxic emotions.”
Self pity
destroys responsibility (makes me feel that other people are responsible for my life)
destroys gratitude (makes me focus on the negative)
destroys relationships (makes me think my struggle is worse than yours)
destroys progress (makes me delay solution-seeking and eats up time)
AND
it destroys agency (makes me doubt the truth that I can ACT to CHANGE the situation)
Of all its pernicious effects, self-pity’s destruction of agency may be it’s most deadly. Remember: While sending out invitations for pity, Saul is sitting under a tree with a spear in his hand surrounded by an entourage. He could have done a million things other than complain—beginning with asking himself why he was chasing after David in the first place.
The truth was Saul was on a mission born of his insecurity, rooted in fear, and in violation of God’s will. That is why he couldn’t make progress or get any help. Sometimes we can’t make progress because God is not pleased with our direction. God never pays for what he doesn’t order.
There is a vaccine for self-pity. It has three elements:
Get Real. Quit lying to yourself. Saul was simply unwilling to admit that David was a superior warrior, that he had missed a vital opportunity by failing to fight Goliath, and that his previous disobedience cost him the favor of God. That’s a mouthful. But sometimes you gotta take a hard long look in the mirror and just accept who’s staring at you.
Get Going. Saul was sitting under a tree surrounded by an entourage. waiting for something to happen or waiting for someone else to make something happen. Not too much happens while you just sit around. You can’t change how you act by feeling, but you can change how you feel by acting. Saul could have done something. Like…give David his spear instead of trying to throw it at him. LOL
Get Grateful. This is the most powerful element of the three. Instead of complaining and blaming, Saul could have realized that David was an asset and not a liability, a help and not a hindrance, a member of his team and not his competition. You can’t be grateful and hateful at the same time.
I know someone reading this has thrown themselves more than a few pity parties during this pandemic. I’ve had my share as well. We have all complained about how bad things are as we watch TV and eat sour cream and onion potato chips. And this is not to dismiss, diminish, or devalue how devastating the last year has been for all of us.
But let’s get real (its bad. but it’s not as bad, as say slavery)
Let’s get going (we can do something. Can’t go to the gym? Go walking. It’s free)
And let’s get grateful. (Did somebody say stimulus check?)
Stop feeling sorry for yourself.