When It's Hard To Talk About

Last Sunday I witnessed an extraordinary moment. During our worship service, I read a touching, handwritten letter that I received from a young man named Kedron who is currently in foster care. Kedron asked me to pray that God would send him some “saved stepparents” and “two nice sisters.” Before we prayed, I asked if there was anyone in the congregation who had grown up in foster care, and if so, if they would join me at the altar to stand on Kedrons’ behalf. An elegantly dressed, bronzed complexioned woman stepped slowly but surely to the front of the church. I met her at the bottom of the stage. She then shared her testimony. It was extraordinary moment.

She shared how she was left on the street, found by a Catholic priest, and with the help of two extremely kind women was able to rebuilt her life, eventually raising a daughter of her own. Now 81, her soft but strong words ricocheted through our sanctuary and pierced every heart. I applaud and admire her courage. And I will forever treasure her words.

Something she said has lingered in my mind all week. When I first asked her if she was willing to share what it was like growing up in foster care, she said yes, but then paused momentarily and said “but it’s very hard to talk about.”

You would think that after 81 years, all the wounds would have healed. And they may have. But she said “it was still hard to talk about.”

You would think that after 81 years, and having a raised a daughter herself, all the ghosts of her past would have been exorcised. And they may have. But she said “it was still hard to talk about.”

You would think that 81 years, all the emotions would have ebbed. And they may have. But she said “it’s still hard to talk about.”

The fact of the matter is all of us have areas in our lives that are hard to talk about. Most of us have mastered the art of small talk. We can converse easily and fluently about the weather, how bad the Fakers (I mean the Lakers) are faring, the price of gas, our favorite Housewives franchise, and other minutiae. But there are matters that defy expression. There are matters that, as Macbeth famously said, when we attempt to speak about them , the words “get stuck in our throat.” There are matters that if asked about, send us either into an inexplicable rage or an interminable sorrow.

Here’s my question for you today: What is hard for you to talk about? Whatever it is, you must find a way to express it. “Meaning is elicited through verbalization,” and unless we can express in words the deep and cutting pains of our hearts, we will remain their prisoner.

In Psalm 32: 3-5, (MSG), David shares a discovery he made about the healing effects of talking about what’s hard to talk about. This is what he said:

When I kept it all inside, my bones turned to powder, my words became daylong groans. The pressure never let up; all the juices of my life dried up. Then I let it all out; I said, “I’ll come clean about my failures to God. Suddenly the pressure was gone—my guilt dissolved, my sin disappeared.

David compares his silence to pressure. What an apt analogy. Pressure is the force exerted on the surface on an object. And we all know what happens when too much pressure is exerted on an object: it cracks! Please don’t let that happen to you! Do what David did: he let it out.

Sure. Great. Wonderful. I should let “it” out, whatever “it” is. But I am sure you are wondering exactly how to do that. Yeah, I have wondered that too. Well, here’s what I’ve come up with:

First, I was reminded of what one of my ministerial mentors once told me. He said that “there is no easy way to do a hard thing.” Facts! The things that are hard to talk about are well, going to be hard to talk about. But God will provide you with an opportunity (just like did his past Sunday) in safe space with a trusted face to “let it out.” It will require courage. But if the opportunity presents itself, take it.

Second, if the opportunity does not present itself, you must create one. You must!!! Or the pressure will cause cracks. When searching for a trusted place and a trusted face to let it out, make sure you talk to someone “up and out.” By up, I mean someone who doesn’t need anything from you, is, is more successful than you, and has the character, credibility, and competence to really help you. And by out, I mean someone outside of your circle and your clique, and preferably your comfort zone. When you increase distance, you increase perspective.

In the end, the old folks were right: confession is good for the sou! And please do not limit your understand of confession to just the confession of sin. The biblical idea of confession includes that, but so much more. Being able to talk about our failures, losses, betrayals, hurts, and disappointments is absolutely essential to our well being.

Or else you’ll crack. And that’s a fact. Jack. (Sorry. I couldn’t resist! )